SIDE A)
LOOK UP - THE NEWEST SONG ON THE ALBUM, WRITTEN IN AUGUST OF '97. I WAS LYING ON A ROCK ON THE SHORE OF CLAYTON LAKE ONE NIGHT AFTER AN UNUSUALLY LATE SWIM, LOOKING UP. THE LYRICS STARTED TO COME, ONE LINE AT A TIME, WHICH, FINALLY, FOUND ME FINISHING IT BY FLASHLIGHT. I'VE WRITTEN QUITE A FEW SONGS SITTING ON THAT ROCK. I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED THAT THIS ONE WAS SO WELL RECEIVED IN MY HOME CHURCH IN CLAYTON. I'M CONVINCED THE MESSAGE WAS SOMETHING GOD WAS SPEAKING TO ME, AND TO ALL HIS CHILDREN. I'M SITTING ON THE BANK OF LAKE ETLING NEAR KENTON OK. AS I WRITE THIS. THE FISHING'S BEEN SLOW BUT THE SUN SURE FEELS GOOD AND SO DO I.

THIS IS REAL - WRITTEN IN THE FALL OF '96. THIS SONG, LIKE SO MANY OTHERS, JUST SEEMED TO COME THROUGH ME, RATHER THAN BEING MY CREATION. IT IS A SPONTANEOUS EXPRESSION OF THE HOPE, JOY AND SERENITY I HAVE FOUND. EVEN THE MUSIC AND THE INSTRUMENTAL ARRANGEMENT SEEMED TO COME EFFORTLESSLY. INITIALLY THE RHYTHM GUITAR TRACK REMINDED ME OF A PIECE OFF OF "DARK SIDE OF THE MOON" BY PINK FLOYD.

BE ON YOUR OWN SIDE - ONE OF THE NEWEST SONGS, INSPIRED BY MY STRUGGLE FOR INTEGRITY AND BALANCE IN MY RELATIONSHIPS. A LOT OF CODEPENDENCY ISSUES ARE DEALT WITH. THESE ISSUES SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM FOR MOST OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW, IN CHURCH, IN RECOVERY GROUPS AND EVERYWHERE. BUT ESPECIALLY AMONG PEOPLE SEEKING A SPIRITUAL PATH.

SCARS - ANOTHER SONG ABOUT RECOVERY, WRITTEN IN 1989, I THINK. THE LAST VERSE WAS WRITTEN IN '96. LIKE MOST OF THE SONGS ON THE ALBUM, IT'S LARGELY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. WRITTEN ON A NAPKIN WHILE WAITING FOR AN ORDER OF BURRITOS AT THE RABBIT EAR CAFE IN CLAYTON N.M. FREE- WRITTEN IN AN ALCOHOL / DRUG REHAB CENTER IN 1989 WHERE I FINALLY SOBERED UP FOR THE LAST TIME; ABOUT THE LIFE OF A RECOVERING PERSON. ACTUALLY, A COMPOSITE OF, MY OWN AND OTHERS' EXPERIENCE. I'M PRETTY SELF-CENTERED, SO THE FACT THAT I WROTE A SONG INCLUDING OTHER PEOPLES' EXPERIENCES WAS KIND OF A BREAKTHROUGH.

AIN'T KILLED ME YET - WRITTEN IN NOVEMBER OF '96. I WAS TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING, TRYING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE AND STRUGGLING WITH SEASONAL DEPRESSION OF SOME YEARS DURATION. I JUST FELT REALLY LOUSY! CRAZY, CONFUSED, ANGRY AND SCARED! THE SONG WAS AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP MY SENSE OF HUMOR AND PERSPECTIVE. DURING THE LAST YEAR I'VE MADE SOME TREMENDOUS GAINS ON THE DEPRESSION PROBLEM AND AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR GOD'S HELP! MY MARRIAGE FINALLY ENDED IN DIVORCE AND I HAVE RECENTLY REMARRIED.

IT'S O.K. - WRITTEN IN THE SUMMER OF '89; I WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS SOBER. IT WAS THE FIRST HAPPY SONG I HAD WRITTEN IN A VERY LONG TIME! SELF-ACCEPTANCE IS THE MAIN THEME. IT'S AN EXUBERANT EXPRESSION OF THE NEW WAY OF LIFE I HAD DISCOVERED.

NO EASY ANSWERS - WRITTEN IN THE SUMMER OF '96 AT A "WALK TO EMMAUS" SPIRITUAL RETREAT. I WAS IMPRESSED BY THE SIMILARITY OF THE MORAL CONFLICTS AND STRUGGLES IN OTHER PEOPLES' LIVES AND MY OWN. THE LYRICS WERE BORN OUT OF EMPATHY FOR THE PAIN EXPERIENCED BY THE MEN AT THE RETREAT.

MARY MARY - A SONG ABOUT MY FRIEND MARY WHO SOBERED UP ABOUT THE SAME TIME I DID. WRITTEN IN SEPTEMBER OF '95, IT'S A CELEBRATION OF HER PERSONHOOD, HER PROGRESS AND OUR FRIENDSHIP THROUGH THE YEARS OF OUR RECOVERY.

HEAVEN KNOWS - WRITTEN IN FEBRUARY OF '89, RIGHT BEFORE I SOBERED UP. KIND OF A TRIBUTE TO MY EX-WIFE'S PATIENCE THROUGH THE YEARS OF MY ADDICTION.

BEDS OF STONE - WRITTEN IN THE WINTER OF '89-'90. I HAD BEEN SOBER ABOUT SIX MONTHS AND WAS HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME DEALING WITH PAINFUL EMOTIONS AND DEPRESSION. FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE! I COULDN'T SLEEP ONE NIGHT, (WHICH WAS PRETTY COMMON DURING THE EARLY DAYS OF MY SOBRIETY) AND WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING LOADED, WHICH WAS ALSO PRETTY COMMON THEN. I WENT TO A CONVENIENCE STORE, GOT A SANDWICH AND SAT DOWN TO WRITE IN MY JOURNAL. "BEDS OF STONE IS ABOUT MY STRUGGLE TO ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS. A STRUGGLE THAT CONTINUES BUT IS LESS PAINFUL TODAY.

SONG OF THE BRIDE - THE OLDEST SONG ON THE ALBUM. WRITTEN OUT OF A DEEP YEARNING FOR WHOLENESS IN THE MIDST OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION. IT SEEMS STRANGE TODAY THAT IN THOSE DARK YEARS I WROTE MORE "GOSPEL" MUSIC THAN I DO NOW. THE "PRELUDE" WAS WRITTEN YEARS AFTER THE MAIN BODY OF THE SONG, AND THE NARRATION WAS ADDED LATER STILL.

All songs copyright 2000 by Russell Ballew
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